lately, i have been in a fog of depression [hence to title of this post]. i haven’t had the motivation to do anything besides what is 100% necessary. it is so hard to find the motivation, and energy to do simple tasks. even doing my dishes, or homework is too much for me to handle, and it usually leads to me crying into a tunnel of pringles. this fogginess has been slowly escalating, and it has evolved into me feeling absolutely numb. a nothingness so deep it seems impossible that i will ever feel anything again.
the other night i stated trying to pin-point where this unbearable numbness was coming from. i realized that i had a lot on my plate. my best friend is getting married in a month, and i can't be there to help her plan the wedding. i moved to a completely new city all by myself. i began attending an incredibly difficult giant university that is one of the top schools in the state of texas. i recently went through an extremely painful breakup.
as i began listing everything i had going on in my life i started to feel compassion for my situation, and myself. instead of being hard on myself i allowed myself space to breathe, and live out my feelings. i had been angry at myself for not having better money management skills. i was angry at myself for not being able to keep up with my classes, and for doing poorly on assignments and exams. at the root of it i was most angry at myself for not being more motivated to take care of myself, my house, and while all at the same time be perfectly optimistic and happy. perfection is not attainable, yet i am so impatient with myself if i don't do everything perfectly.
it is no wonder why i fell into this foggy depression! i was never taught that self-compassion was important.
this is not to say that some people do not suffer from diagnosable mood disorders like depression. i know that i do, and this episode was something that i couldn't control. it is my body's natural reaction to stress.
it is so important to reach out when you are suffering from depression. i am so thankful to have such an amazing support system in my life. i couldn't have scaled this enormous setback without them. i have my aunt who would do anything for me, my two best friends where so admirably supportive of me, and finally, my therapist who is amazing!
some people like to pretend that you should go through life alone, but those people aren't very happy people. it is okay to not be okay, and to seek support and help. in fact, it is more than okay, it is completely normal. the most successful people never got anywhere by themselves. once you realize that you are enough with all your imperfections, then you will be happier and more successful.
i am by no means perfect, but i love myself and i know that people love me for all my imperfections. i wouldn't be who i am without my unique imperfect qualities.
i hope that this helps any of you who are struggling with depression, transitions, negative self-image, etc. By not comparing yourself to others, and freeing yourself from impossible standards you are becoming a more minimalist person.